Half a World Away - 1
On top of an old seawall, I stand looking out at the vast expanse of the ocean. It’s a view that i’ve seen over and and over again, since I was in elementary school. The sound of crashing waves caress over me while crying seagulls ride the currents above. A smell of salt hangs in the air while the sun desperately hangs on, trying to avoid its inevitable tumble over the horizon. It looks like a scene from a dating game sims I played a long time ago. I catch myself thinking this and roll my eyes. It doesn’t seem fair to be surrounded by such a beautiful scene. Sundowns are meant to be shared and yet, here I stood alone.
My heart clenched slightly. I’ve been suffering from the same dull aching pain for the last few weeks and never became used to it. I’ve been hurt often when I play sports but it pales in comparison to heartbreak.
I wonder what Rui would have thought about this view. I try to resist the urge to daydream of us walking down the beach, hand in hand, watching the sun go down and a canopy of stars appearing in it’s place. If I start thinking about her again, I’ll end up going down a rabbit hole of questions that I’ll never find answers to.
I’ll never know what I did wrong or why she strayed. Running through it in my head over and over has not led me to an answer. What it does is make me feel worse about myself. I’ve already spent weekends feeling pathetic so I have to give myself credit for even being here.
I really loved her.
—
I hear the door to my room open. My mom is here again. Maybe if I keep my eyes closed she will think I am sleeping and leave me alone. My hope doesn’t last long.
“Hiro…I know you have been through a lot lately. I want you to know that I understand that heartbreak isn’t easy to deal with.”
I choose to not respond and continue pretending to be asleep. She must know I am listening.
“I’ve sat and listened to you. I’ve given you time and space to process. I’ve tried everything I can think of to try to get you looking forward again.”
Mom’s footsteps are moving away from me and then I hear the sound of a plate being placed on my desk across the room. I can smell pickled plums. She probably brought me a bowl of okayu.”
“I am worried about you Hiro. You haven’t left your room in weeks. You are skipping school. It smells terrible.”
She opened the curtains and the window. I squeeze my eyes firmly to try to block out any light that dares to invade my eyes. “I’m sorry mom.”, I mumble.
Mom sits on the bed beside me and puts her hand on top of my head. Her hand feels warm and gentle.
“You missed the last week of classes. It’s summer vacation. I was going to go and help your grandfather with his cafe.” Mom pauses hesitantly before confirming her resolve. “But I think it maks more sense for you to go. Working hard will get you to focus on life again. The sun and the beach will be good for you too.”
To be honest, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to lay here until I died. But my need to not disappoint my mom was stronger than my heartbreak.
“Aright mom”, I didn’t want to put up a fight.
“Go have a shower and I’ll do your laundry so you can get ready to go.”
–
As I walked out of the station, I saw my grandpa sitting in his old beat up kei truck waiting to pick me up. I threw my suitcase into the truck bed, opened and closed the passenger door and sat down.
“Your mom tells me you’ve gone full hikikomori.” My grandfather was always a direct and to the point kind of guy. I look down at the ground, choosing not to respond to him. “Girls hey? She doesn’t know what she’s lost.” He puts the truck into drive and we start moving through the pickup area. “They know how to stick the knife in and twist”, I say quietly. Grandpa turns on the radio and an old city pop song comes on, loud enough to know its playing but not enough to hear the lyrics. “I am sure you’ll get a chance to meet some new ones.” “As if anyone wants someone like me.” The prickle in my chest flares up again and I let out a sigh. “Not with that attitude.” Grandpa’s words were always meant with kindness even if the tone wasn’t. He’s always been direct, to the point. I didn’t really like him calling out my sadness, even if he was right.
We arrived after a 30 minute drive. As I stepped out on the truck, I looked around. Grandpa’s place was trapped in time. Not much had changed. There was a small garden with some perennials, a drive way small enough to barely fit the truck. A stone path leading to the front door of a two story house. I followed him up the way and took off my shoes at the entrance. The hallway was full of boxes of disposable take out containers and supplies. To my left was the entrance to the kitchen. To my right was the stairs leading up stairs. Down the hallway I could see a door with a large window. Even through this distance I could see the ocean through it.
Things hadn’t changed. Same old house with the same old man living in it.
I left my bag at the door and followed Grandpa into the kitchen. Despite the rest of his house looking like a jumbled mess, the kitchen was organized and mostly clean. The table had an ashtray and horse racing from on it but otherwise, it was spotless.
“You’re still smoking? I am surprised mom hasn’t come up here and murdered you.” “Your mother doesn’t need to know about an occasional smoke!” Grandpa snickered to himself like he had dome something he shouldn’t have and got away with it. “Besdies, a man is allowed to have some vices. I deserve a treat once and awhile.” Grandpa sat down at the table and I sat down beside him. “It’s too late in the day to ask you to do anything and I am sure you’re tired from all of your travelling. So why don’t you take the rest of the day off and relax. You can help me run things tomorrow.” “Sounds good. I will go put my things upstairs and then go for a walk.” I was feeling stiff from all the sitting.
The stairs creaked as I walked up them to get to the second floor. I turned at the top of the stairs and went into my old room. Just like the rest of the house, not much else had changed. There was a single bed pushed up against the wall, a throw rug on the floor. In the corner was a small desk and chair, just big enough to put a laptop on but not much else. There is a shelf above the desk with a small tv on top of it. In the other corner was a closet with a cardboard box with some tools sticking out of it. I walk over to the box and open the lid slightly and see all of the tools I used to use with my mom back in the day. Grandpa must have brought them out of storage because the box is a little dusty. It’s nice to know he was excited to see me even if he doesn’t always show it. I place my bag beside the box and open the window near my bed to let some fresh air in. The waves crashing on the beach could be heard in the distance.
When I returned downstairs, I could see my grandpa looking at the racing form with his glasses. “I am going to go for a walk to stretch out. Did you need anything?” “A beer.” He states matter of factly. “You know I am not old enough to buy that for you. Just have the beer that’s already here.” “You know that’s for customers. Don’t worry about it, I’ll go get one for myself later.” I nod and turn around to get my shoes on. “Hiro?” “Changed your mind about needing something?” “Umi-chan will be helping tomorrow. Wanted to let you know.”
Umi. I haven’t spoken to her in what feels like forever. I consider sending her a message for a moment but decide to go for a walk instead. My childhood friend can wait for our reunion tomorrow. I’m sure she’s busy.
“Sounds good. It’s cool that you she still helps out.”
“You know how in demand she is Hiro? All the other members of the business association try to poach her from me. She’s loyal, unlike you! My own grandson, skipping work at our cafe. Those other shops can’t have her!”
You could hear the pride in his voice as if she was his own grand daughter.
“Can’t deny that”, a small smile crawls across my face.
“See you soon”, grandpa waves before immersing himself in betting odds.
I aimlessly wander down the street, observing what has changed since my youth. The exterior of the buildings looked the same but the inhabitants inside them had changed. The candy shop I went to with my friends was closed but a new restaurant was in its place. The tobacco shop my grandfather frequented was still there with reduced hours, the owner must be getting old.The convenience store a little ways down had rebranded from one national chain to another. There were different family names on some of the markers in front of homes. The town was aging gracefully, standing up to time as best as it could.
Eventually, I found myself standing on top of the seawall staring out at the sun slowly meandering down. After thinking about how much Rui would have loved this view, I move towards the stairway leading down to the beach. The cement is cracked and uneven and some rebars sticks out from the seawall. I carefully make my way down the stairs, looking down at my feet to ensure I don’t step on anything that could cut me. When I reached the bottom, I sat down on the last stair and removed my shoes and shoved my socks inside them.
The sand was soft between my toes and the breeze off the water was firm and cool. The feeling made me feel warm and nostalgic for my youth. I spent much of my time as a child playing around at this very spot. Building sand castles, chasing seagulls, pretending to be knocked over by waves on the shoreline. Being here is like receiving a warm hug from someone in your family. I’ll never tell her but perhaps Mom was right for sending me here.
After a moment of walking, I arrive at the shoreline and feel the water roll over my feet. The cold water took the heat away from my feet and the sediment danced between my toes. As the water recedes, I see pieces of sand and small pieces of sea glass being pulled away from the shore. In a flash, I reach down in the water and pick up a handful of sand and start picking out the seaglass. Green, white, brown, any pieces that catch my interest I shove into my pockets. Grandpa won’t enjoy cleaning the sand out of my shorts but by putting all the tools out, he knew what he was getting into and can’t be upset.
My mom and I would comb the beach late in the evening and pick up pieces of sea glass. We would take the glass home and then polish and shape them. After they were ready, a hole would be drilled through the class and then we’d thread cord through to make a bracelet. My mom would sell these bracelets online but the ones I made I could keep or give away. Despite making many of them, I was never happy with the final product and I would end up putting them away. I can only remember giving away a few of them…but who I gave them to I can’t recall.
I continue to walk along the shore, picking up glass in a trance. I get into a rhythm, the ocean ceasing my sound track to keep me focused on my task. My left hand a sieve, my right hand pulling pieces of glass from the wad of sand. My fingers caress up against something smooth. My finger tips grasp onto it. A large piece of glass appears. It’s pale green and in the sun it has a nearly white matte finish. The edges are and surfaces are smooth while its shape is irregular and random. My concentration is broken by the sound of feet stepping on sand. I look over to my right and see a woman approaching me. She’s tall and slender, wearing a white linen sundress that flows down to just above her knees. The dress accentuates her proportional curves. Her long dark plum flows down straight past her shoulders. Her face is small with a gentle smile and eyes that are sparkling from the sun she’s facing. She’s holding a pair of beach sandals by their thin straps.
“What a lovely colour”, her voice gentle and calm. “What are you going to do with it?” I gaze at her silently for a moment, trying to collect my thoughts before I respond. In my short life, I have seen many pretty girls but none as stunning as the person in front of me.
“I am not sure.” I turn my gaze from her back onto the glass to not stare. She stepped closer to me and tilted her head to look at the glass in my hand. She pulled her hair behind her ear, sending wisps of vanilla fragrance to my nose. “Tumbling in the ocean usually breaks the glass into smaller pieces.This piece survived a long journey.” She smiled gently. For a moment, I think about how many years it could take for something thrown away to transform into something beautiful like this glass. I wonder if “It’s a miracle”, I say softly. “That is one way to put it!” She laughed warmly and I couldn’t help but smile.
“Here. You can have this. I think you’d appreciate it more than I ever could.” I put the piece of glass in my palm and open it up to her. The gloss on her fingernails shimmered slightly as she delicately picked up the piece of glass and then held it up to her face. “Thank you!” she beams, while inspecting the glass with satisfaction. Her joy gives me an odd sense of familiarity and warmth. I haven’t met this girl before and we’ve barely spoken but it feels natural, as if we’d known each other for years. The smile on her face only makes her look prettier and I can’t help but look at her face. Our eyes meet for a moment and I turn away to try to avoid being caught. When I look at her again, a sly smile appears.
“Lovely evening, isn’t it?”, I ask hoping small talk will convince her not to call me out for staring. “Yes, but it always is lovely during the summer. I’ve come every summer since I was young.” Hearing her say this makes me pause for a moment. “Really?” I ask excitedly. “Me too!” The smile on her face dissipates slightly, appearing nervous with anticipation. “I am from Tokyo but some of my family lives here. I spent my summers as a kid here as well. Today is my first time back in years.” “Is that so?” she asked pensively. I turned slightly and pointed in the general direction back towards the house. “My grandfather is the owner of the beach cafe a little ways down. My mom and I used to help him with running it.”
She looked down at the sand, her ears becoming flush. She whispered something quietly to herself, too low for me to hear. “I am sorry, could you speak a little louder?” She took a deep breath, trying to collect herself, and then looked up towards me with a warm smile. Her face was flushed.
“I am sorry but I have to get going. Thank you for the glass. I will treasure it.” “Oh. Okay. Nice to meet you.” She turned and started to walk away. “Wait! I didn’t get your name!” I shouted towards her. She turned towards me with a brilliant smile. “Don’t worry!I won’t lose you again! We will meet again soon!” She waved, turned around and jogged away. I continued to watch as she disappeared in the distance in the opposite direction of my home. When she wasn’t visible, I turned to the horizon to watch the sun's last gasp before it disappeared. —
I opened the door, put my sandals away and put on my inside slippers. “Welcome home!”, my mother shouted from the other room. I was so overwhelmed with what I had experienced that I completely ignored her and ran up the stairs to my room. “Saori?”, I heard her shout as she heard me stomp towards my door. I lept onto the bed and squeezed my pillow and started kicking the mattress. After all of this time…..it really was him! He finally came back. My eyes started to water and my heart as overwhelmed with joy. I couldn’t help but smile. When I clenched my fists and pumped the air, I could hear the clattering of the seaglass beads of my bracelet. “He didn’t recognize me today….but tomorrow will be another chance. Prepare yourself Hiro!”